Apartment Sadness: Furnished Hovel With Stripper Pole, No Actual Kitchen, $1785 / by Jay Barmann

Photo via Craigslist

Photo via Craigslist

by Jay Barmann
Originally published on SFist, May 1, 2015

I don't even know what to make of this Lower Nob Hill sublet that appears to be the current home of of either a) a very messy hooker, or b) a self-employed businesswoman who likes to be dirty sometimes (sexually). It's advertised as furnished, and as is often the case the furnishings are not a selling point. There's a crappy futon, a desk, and a very cluttered looking office area that perhaps doubles as a vanity/make-up area, as well as a "make-shit" [sic] kitchenette because this is perhaps some kind of SRO or communal living situation. The Craigslist ad refers to it as a "jr. 1 bedroom" but what it actually is is two rooms without a door between them, and a bathroom. The price? $1785 a month, with a full move-in cost of $5,570 (first, last, and deposit).

Below you can see what this "make-shit" kitchenette consists of: some Metro shelves, a hot plate, a toaster, microwave, a fly strip (upper left), and a stand-alone dishwasher (not pictured). There's also a smallish fridge which is over in the office section that you see above. Note that kitchenette photo has been used as a marketing tool for an Airbnb rental. Dear god.

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Then check out this photo from the other side of the same room. The suitcases and closet with no door are a nice touch. This is one of those situations, actually, where the poster should have considered showing fewer photos.

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A telling fact: there is "also a community [kitchen] just down the all with a large counter, sink and full sized oven." So, yeah, this isn't a real apartment.

But what really takes the prize are the bathroom photos, which include a shower equipped with an obvious douche nozzle, and a sink that appears to have a plumber's snake sticking out of it. And some random plastic hoses leading to god knows what. Also, it looks filthy. Like, a-little-Pine-Sol-aint-gonna-cut-it filthy.

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I'm really confused about the bedroom. As you can see below, there's one photo of the bedroom area in daylight, and then another photo at night where, magically, there's suddenly a stripper pole? And a leopard-print duvet? Is that the same room? One clue may be in that leopard pillow you see in the daylight photo.

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The stripper pole is not listed as an amenity, but then there's this other blurry photo that appears to be showing off a projection TV situation, with the stripper pole clearly visible again at right. And is that lesbian foot-fetish porn??

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Now, the reason I say this could be the home of some kind of self-employed person is because of the double-monitor situation on the desk in the first photo above. And the current tenant — who actually does not mention that this is a sublet until the very final line of the ad, referring to it as "Glitterhaus sublet" — says she'll be leaving behind a media server that's filled with "33000 hours of commericial-less TV programs and movies." And I say it's a woman because there's that makeup area with the makeup brushes by the window — but who knows! It could be a drag queen. Or a couple.

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So, would you like to spend $1785 on this fun pad and still probably have to move again soon? And check out all the **** that are in the ad — is this person kind of crazy, perhaps? There's some serious exclaiming going on here:

**** SERIOUS INQUIRIES - ONLY!!!! ****
** appointment deposit may be required!!! **
DO NOT tell me your whole life story! Just age, job, a couple hobbies, etc.

But by all means, get in touch. Douche nozzle included!

All previous editions of Apartment Sadness.